Talk about being a jar of clay…
Of all my 25 years, this has been the year with more ‘defining moments’ than ever. Decisions have been made, many without consultation with anyone, even, God.
I have always ‘discussed’ everything I do with God. This is my way of bringing Him into the picture, and probably getting His opinion on what I think I should do, in search for ‘His Will’. I put that in quotes coz that’s the hardest thing to do – know God’s will.
I’ve grown up a Christian: went to Sunday school, was an active Christian in my high school, served in the church, been a leader of a home fellowship. My relationship with God has come from far. God has always been a big factor in my life. He’s been there, and here with me. I’ve also been through some stuff, and God was there too. I owe who I am now to Him.
I have been doing this Christian walk thing for years. This year, because of those ‘moments’, I began to question a lot (actually, I allowed myself to question). Not that anything dramatic or life-changing happened this year…just those lows one hits sometimes, triggered by events which, in the long run, are of no consequence.
Been going to church, leading a bible study at home, living ‘right’ (I mean avoiding sin and things that would make God mad), etc. Yet I’m not reaching where I think I ought to reach, with God. Not good enough. Not living a life that’s ‘pure’ enough. Felt (and still feel) like there’s this huge deficiency in me as a person. I’m not measuring up. Not worthy before God, and even man, sometimes.And the worst feeling was and is that I’m truly unable to be what God wants me to be (or what I think God wants me to be), so everything I do, I do in futility. And also, I felt like God really had more important things to do, coz there are some things I felt (and still feel) He’s just turned His back on. He’s not listening. Prayer became hard; I’m sinful, not clean enough to even say anything to Him. So I stopped everything: church, bible study leadership, talking to God, bible itself, etc. So everything has gone downhill since then. I can’t even truly call myself a Christian now. (for me the word Christian means: belief in and relationship with God). God stopped being the huge factor He was in my life, someone to consult with before doing anything. I made many decisions on my own (and I fear I may have fallen out of God’s will…still trying to figure that out). When I say decisions, I mean career decisions, my job, family issues, and lately relationships. It’s been 5 or 6 months now. And I feel empty and without purpose now more than ever before. I’m living for myself, and don’t want to continue like this. The loneliness and futility of life like this drives me nuts sometimes.
So my dilemma now, is how do I start again? I’ve strayed so far from God….
At least I’m sure He’ll accept me back.