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Decisions

Talk about being a jar of clay…

Of all my 25 years, this has been the year with more ‘defining moments’ than ever. Decisions have been made, many without consultation with anyone, even, God.

I have always ‘discussed’ everything I do with God. This is my way of bringing Him into the picture, and probably getting His opinion on what I think I should do, in search for ‘His Will’. I put that in quotes coz that’s the hardest thing to do – know God’s will.

I’ve grown up a Christian: went to Sunday school, was an active Christian in my high school, served in the church, been a leader of a home fellowship. My relationship with God has come from far. God has always been a big factor in my life. He’s been there, and here with me. I’ve also been through some stuff, and God was there too. I owe who I am now to Him.

I have been doing this Christian walk thing for years. This year, because of those ‘moments’, I began to question a lot (actually, I allowed myself to question). Not that anything dramatic or life-changing happened this year…just those lows one hits sometimes, triggered by events which, in the long run, are of no consequence.

 Been going to church, leading a bible study at home, living ‘right’ (I mean avoiding sin and things that would make God mad), etc. Yet I’m not reaching where I think I ought to reach, with God. Not good enough. Not living a life that’s ‘pure’ enough. Felt (and still feel) like there’s this huge deficiency in me as a person. I’m not measuring up. Not worthy before God, and even man, sometimes.And the worst feeling was and is that I’m truly unable to be what God wants me to be (or what I think God wants me to be), so everything I do, I do in futility. And also, I felt like God really had more important things to do, coz there are some things I felt (and still feel) He’s just turned His back on. He’s not listening. Prayer became hard; I’m sinful, not clean enough to even say anything to Him. So I stopped everything: church, bible study leadership, talking to God, bible itself, etc. So everything has gone downhill since then. I can’t even truly call myself a Christian now. (for me the word Christian means: belief in and relationship with God). God stopped being the huge factor He was in my life, someone to consult with before doing anything. I made many decisions on my own (and I fear I may have fallen out of God’s will…still trying to figure that out). When I say decisions, I mean career decisions, my job, family issues, and lately relationships.  It’s been 5 or 6 months now. And I feel empty and without purpose now more than ever before. I’m living for myself, and don’t want to continue like this. The loneliness and futility of life like this drives me nuts sometimes.  

So my dilemma now, is how do I start again? I’ve strayed so far from God….

 At least I’m sure He’ll accept me back.

I thought I was back

Last time I posted? 7 months ago. And yet I’m an ardent reader of other peoples blogs. So I’ve decided to reboot, and start posting. This initially was a personal journal; I’ve just decided to go public. Good luck to me.

I’m back!

Been a month a a half since I posted, if not more. April and the first week of May were the most hectic weeks I’ve had so far. Never felt as overwhelmed as I did then. Was doing exams , teaching computer applications to an elderly group of people 3 hours a day almost daily (including Saturdays), organising and running seminars for a large group of people (like 160) for 3 weeks, designing newsletters, adverts and brochures, and other administrative stuff. Man, this list makes me feel tired. How I pulled through this, I don’t know.
As a result of this super hectic life I had, I missed out on everything else I usually did: church, catching up with people, God, mention it. And so I am now in an interesting state…having to pick up from where I left off, and for somethings it looks like it won’t be possible to do that.
But anyway, I’m back!

Desperate need

I have not felt in a long time, as much as I do now, how much I need God in my life. And I can’t really put a finger on why I do not, maybe just the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy I have now.
And I have realised that it has been long since I ever felt the need to truly depend on God, I guess I had life figured out then, or maybe I just never looked at anything that would cause me to need God. I guess He just needed a trigger to get me looking up.
Whatever season this is, in a way, I’m glad I’m in it. Not easy either way.

Random

This week had been one of the hardest weeks (emotionally) so far this year. I’m glad it’s ending, I can get to forget and enjoy the weekend and do other things.
Though it started out well: on Sunday I got to just hang out with friends and talk, something I hadn’t done in a long time, and I realised that I do miss those times when I’d get together with them and do basically nothing. I wish I would do this more often.

I just read something that makes me feel like breaking away from where I am at- everywhere: job, school, home, myself, etc, and start living life. It’s like I’m not living. I imagine that I’ll start living once I’ve accomplished or finished what’s on my list now, what I’m involved in now. And I’m waiting; it’s like I’m hanging, waiting to drop. Not sure what I’m waiting for: to finish school, find a better job, get married, whatever else. And life will begin when these things happen. I want to break away from that race, not sure how to. And this feeling has contributed a lot to the emotional drain this week. Food for thought…

This week, I also happened to be reading (more like looking) at the Kings of Israel and Judea and all the sin they committed and how they disappointed God, and how God was pleased by only two of those kings. I’ve kinda read the whole book of 1st and 2nd Kings, and began 1st Chronicles today, which is a chronicle of people. No wonder not many people quote verses from Chronicles. But it was amazing to read people’s names, and their sons, and follow the genealogy from Adam to David.

Funny how I’ve been reading my bible almost consistently every morning just before I left the house, and evenings just before I slept. I have never been able to keep bible reading up as consistently, and as frequently as I have this week. God’s Grace, I tell ya.

Frantic Prophesying

Been really busy trying to meet deadlines for a big proposal we’re doing at the office. Then there’s my schools work, where I’m supposed to write a paper, a real research paper with citations and references in it. It was hard to come up with a research topic.

And then there’s this week which has just began on a sour note. I have now really began to think about the things happening in my life, and getting disappointed at the status quo, especially my job. It’s just the worst thing to have reservations about, coz I wake up most mornings to go to work, so most of my days would then all start with this sour note. And I don’t know if this is just one of those waves full of doom passing over my life, or it’s something that’s going to bug me for a long time.
Today morning I flipped my Bible open, and randomly landed on 1 Kings 18, the story of Elijah and King Ahab, and the famine, and Mount Carmel. Something hit me when I go to the part where Elijah calls upon God to send down His fire to demonstrate that He was the true God. Elijah wasn’t crossing His fingers and hoping against hope that God would send down his fire. In fact, the way he said his prayer showed how sure he was that God would come, he didn’t plead with God, beg Him to send this fire, as compared to how the prophets of Baal cried out and called and begged and cajoled their god from morning to evening, even slashing themselves. The bible even says: they continued their frantic prophesying until the time for the evening sacrifice.
And I wondered whether there’s a difference between faith, and such assurance. Or faith is that assurance of things hoped for.
Maybe this was just what I needed to see today morning, as I’m beginning to get frantic, and I would hate to be compared to the Baal prophets by cajoling and begging and pleading with God to improve the situation. If I had Elijah’s kind of faith…

I am thankful for…

  • Life and health. God has preserved me for all these 24 years.
  • A house that has more rooms than one or two. Ever since I could remember, my family and I have lived in single roomed houses, many times with shared facilities, no tapped water and no power. For 5 months now, I get home, and still get excited about having a kitchen and bedrooms and a sitting room, and 7 doors for different rooms, and running water, and it’s even exciting to worry about cleaning this “big” house – something that had once only been in my dreams.
  • A mother that has devoted all her life to giving the best she could to us, and I am who I am because of what we went through then, and now.
  • Friends who care about what is going on, who have accepted me with all my quirks
  • My cell
  • A good job, with a good boss, whose care and concern goes beyond the office. Through my job, I have developed skills that I would otherwise not have. I am also able to live, rather than survive as I did for years. It’s always incredible for me to be able to pay my own bus fare, and pay rent even before the due date, and buy chocolate when I crave it.
  • My mind. God has given me a versatile mind, I grasp things quickly and I can be creative. I am able to do things that in retrospect, I can’t believe I did.
  • School. I have been able to come this far only through God’s grace. This gives me courage to dream bigger.
  • My handwritting. People love it.
  • An assurance of salvation. The biggest thing. There is no such peace as knowing where you are going, and knowing why you’re doing what you’re doing, and that Someone applauds you.
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